Why is it so bad to let a people be themselves? Why is it that when we hit middle-age we are often on a mission to find ourselves? Wouldn’t it be awesome if from childhood we were encouraged to actually be ourselves and not some perfect, often unattainable version of a child that someone, somewhere decided was the right way to be?
I feel one of the reasons for the huge number of middle-aged women being diagnosed with ADHD is because we have suddenly come to a point in our lives where we are finally able to step back and say, “actually no, I don’t want to be that person you want me to be” and we realise that our normal unmasked selves aren’t exactly what people were expecting.
School
At school from a very young age, we are told we must sit and learn using behaviour systems like ‘The 5 Ls’ ; lips locked, listening, looking, hands in laps, and legs crossed. If we want to speak, we must raise our hand and wait until an adult has decided it is the right time for us to speak. We learn information that someone else has decided is the correct information for us to know and we are tested by sitting in silence and writing this information down. Then we are given a grade that defines how much of this information we have remembered at that specific time. That grade is recorded and is the foundation on which the adults judge what the next step for us is to be. At break times we are told to run around but don’t run too fast or in the wrong areas, and to eat, but don’t eat too much or too little and be nice to everyone.
Off to work
So, you have left the rigid structure of schooling and headed into the workforce… because that is what you should do. Again you have to sit quietly and do what you’re told. Don’t rock the boat, be creative and come up with new ideas, but don’t go too far outside the box. And of course, be nice to everyone.
Having a family
Then you have to get married and have kids and you have to bring up your children exactly like everyone else does, like your parents did and your in-laws did, like the Instagram and TikTok mums do. And of course, be proud of your children, but don’t be too proud. Encourage them, but don’t be too pushy, and NEVER give them screens, they must always be outside… with supervision, but don’t hover over them.
I’m exhausted!
How on earth does someone with ADHD do this? I’m pretty sure it’s hard enough if you have a neurotypical brain! So you mask, or you don’t, and that’s when the trouble starts. Who decided we all have to be the same?
Ok, obviously this is a slight exaggeration… but until I was diagnosed with ADHD, this is how I experienced life. Always trying to fit in and please everyone and always messing it up, getting told off and beating myself up for never getting it right. Well actually, it still is how I live most days, but I’m trying not to let it get to me. Wouldn’t it be awesome if difference was embraced or even celebrated? This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have rules, and everyone should just be able to run off and do whatever they please… laws are necessary, I get it… but with flexibility? Empathy?
Is there another way?
As a teacher or parent, how about instead of clinging to a belief or rule because that’s what we’ve been told to do no matter who it upsets, we assess the situation and work out whether following the rule is absolutely necessary at that time? When we want a child to follow a rule are we just unconsciously exerting our power and doing what others are expecting us to do? As a result, are we making rule breakers feel bad, or are we actually teaching them why the rule is important and should be followed? If they show that in that moment the rule wasn’t the important thing for them… there was more to it. Why aren’t we giving them that chance to try again to get it right and feel good about it. I love those tests where you just keep going back until you get all the answers right. Then you’ve actually learnt something rather than just learning how dumb you are.
I think it’s so important to ask ADHD students what works for them. Surprisingly, when we ask and listen to their ideas, they often know exactly what they need at that moment, and if they don’t, they are usually willing to try anything rather than continuing to fail. Unfortunately, these solutions don’t stay the same. We need to keep listening, checking in, and offering new ways to succeed. These pathways probably won’t be the same as those for neurotypical kids, but sometimes they might be. Teaching all students to be aware of their own behaviours and how they learn best is so important. It doesn’t need to be hard to manage because students of all ages can learn to be responsible and accountable for their actions. Teach them that not all teachers are the same, in the same way that not all students are the same, and that they need to learn to ‘read the room’ and adapt their actions accordingly.
This probably sounds like some utopian paradise woo woo classroom, but just think about the ripple effect as these self-aware children grow into self-aware adults… so I reckon you do you, Boo…
