Let's talk about what respect really means for neurodivergent brains
So, respect. We throw this word around constantly, don't we? "Show respect!" "That's disrespectful!" "Respect your elders!" But honestly, what does that even mean? Especially if you're a kid or an adult with ADHD trying to navigate a world that seems to have all these unspoken rules about how to behave.
Here's the thing- respect is way more complicated than most people realise. For neurotypical people, a lot of "respectful" behaviour just feels natural. But for those of us with ADHD brains? It can feel like everyone else got a manual for social interactions that we never received.
Making It Simple: Happy or Sad?
I've started explaining respect in the most basic way possible, and it's been a game-changer. Instead of all the abstract stuff about "proper behaviour," I just ask: are your actions making people feel happy or sad? Are you hurting someone's feelings or making them feel good about themselves?
That's it. That's respect at its core.
This simple reframe works so much better for most children but more importantly anyone with an ADHD brain because we often think in concrete terms rather than abstract ones. Instead of trying to figure out what "being respectful" looks like in every single situation (exhausting!), we can focus on something real and measurable: how are people feeling because of what I'm doing?
There's actually research backing this up too. People with ADHD often struggle with what scientists call "theory of mind"- basically, the ability to understand that other people have different thoughts and feelings than we do. It's not that we don't care about others; our brains just process social information differently. When we frame respect as emotional impact rather than rule-following, it becomes way more accessible.
"Read the Room"? What Room?
Can we talk about "respect your elders" for a minute? This phrase assumes everyone can just magically "read the room." But reading the room is actually a super complex skill that involves interpreting facial expressions, understanding social hierarchies, and knowing when to adjust your behaviour.
For many people with ADHD, this isn't something that just happens automatically. Executive function challenges mean we might not pause to assess a situation before jumping in. Attention differences might mean we completely miss those subtle social cues that tell everyone else when it's time to quieten down or step back..
But here's the good news: this doesn't mean we can't learn respectful behaviour. We just need to learn it differently. Instead of expecting our brains to automatically pick up on social vibes, we can use concrete strategies. Like, "When you want to interrupt, first look at the person's face. Do they look relaxed and happy to chat, or do they look focused and busy?"
Wait, How Do You Respect a Building?
Things get weird when we start talking about respecting objects. "Respect the environment!" "Show respect for school property!" Um, excuse me, but last time I checked, my desk doesn't have feelings.
So how do we make sense of this? Well, respecting objects isn't really about the objects themselves- it's about respecting the people connected to those objects. When I throw rubbish on the ground, I'm not hurting the earth's feelings (because it doesn't have any), but I am creating an ugly and potentially dangerous environment for anyone else who has to be there.
When we damage school property, we're not being mean to a building—we're making it harder for other students to learn and showing zero consideration for the people who work their butts off to maintain a good learning environment.
This reframe helps ADHD brains understand that those seemingly random rules actually serve a purpose. It's not about following rules for the sake of following rules (which, let's be honest, can feel pointless and annoying). It's about being considerate of the humans in our community.
Self-Respect: The Biggest Challenge
Okay, but here's where things get really hard: respecting yourself. And if you have ADHD, this might be the most challenging part of all, thanks to our old friend Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).
RSD is like having your emotional volume turned up to 11 all the time. Any hint of criticism or rejection feels like a personal attack, even when it's really not. And let's be honest- most people with ADHD have been getting criticised for their behaviour, attention, and impulse control their entire lives.
By the time we're teenagers (or adults), many of us have internalised the message that we're "too much," "not enough," or just fundamentally broken somehow. Research shows that people with ADHD often develop really negative self-concepts because of all this constant feedback that we're doing things wrong.
So self-respect becomes incredibly difficult. RSD can create this awful cycle where we're so afraid of rejection that we either become people-pleasers (exhausting and inauthentic) or we withdraw and get defensive.
Learning self-respect with ADHD often means recognising that your brain works differently, not defectively. It means appreciating your neurodivergent awesomeness while being compassionate about your challenges.
Are We Actually Talking About Disrespect?
This brings up something that's been bugging me: when we say a kid is being "disrespectful," what are we really saying? Are we identifying behaviour that actually hurts people, or are we just annoyed that the kid isn't doing what we think they should do?
Because here's the thing- a lot of behaviours that get labelled as "disrespectful" in ADHD kids are actually just... ADHD symptoms. The kid who blurts out answers isn't trying to be rude; they're struggling with impulse control. The student who can't sit still isn't showing attitude; they're trying to keep their nervous system regulated so they can actually pay attention.
When we automatically interpret ADHD symptoms as disrespect, we're basically creating shame around neurological differences. And shame is a terrible motivator. It doesn't make people want to do better; it just makes them feel worse about themselves.
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A Better Way Forward
Here's what I think we need to do: separate impact from intent. That kid with ADHD might interrupt constantly (negative impact) while genuinely trying to engage (positive intent). Our response should address the impact while acknowledging the intent.
Instead of "Stop being disrespectful," we could try "I can see you're really excited to share your ideas! When you interrupt, though, it makes it hard for others to finish their thoughts. Let's figure out a signal you can use to let me know you have something to say."
This approach teaches the skills behind respectful behaviour without making the kid feel awful about themselves. It recognises that learning social skills takes time and practice, especially for neurodivergent brains.
True respect isn't about fear or compliance. It grows from understanding, empathy, and skill-building. For ADHD brains, this means we need concrete explanations, explicit instruction in social skills, and recognition that neurological differences are just brain variations, not character flaws.
Most importantly, we need patience with the learning process and self-compassion as the foundation for extending genuine respect to others.
Respect isn't about being perfect or having flawless social instincts. It's about caring enough about others- and ourselves- to keep learning, growing, and trying to make the world a little kinder for everyone in it.
