Why Do I Always Ruin Things When They’re Finally Going Well?

For people with ADHD, success can feel like a trap. If you have ADHD, you probably know this story. You finally start getting things right, your routines are working, your job is going smoothly, you’re speaking up more confidently. And for once, your inner voice is actually cheering you on:

“Look at you go. You’re finally getting your life together.”

Then—bam. You say the wrong thing. You were trying to add balance, not start a war—but now it’s landed badly. You’ve overstepped. People are annoyed. You know it. It feels like everything is collapsing.

Now that once-supportive inner voice turns on you, fast and hard:

“You always ruin everything.”

“Why do you keep doing this?”

“They’re sick of your excuses. You’re unprofessional. You’re hopeless.”

You spiral. You feel physically sick. And the worst part is, this isn’t the first time. You’ve been here before, and it’s exhausting. This isn’t just embarrassment, it’s shame.

It’s Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and it’s one of the most painful, misunderstood parts of living with ADHD.

This Isn’t Just Overthinking. It’s ADHD—and RSD.

First off: you’re not being dramatic. This is a real, recognized pattern in ADHD—and it has names. ADHD doesn’t just affect attention or hyperactivity. It impacts something called executive function—basically your brain’s ability to plan, pause, regulate emotion, manage time, and make decisions with context.

Dr. Russell Barkley, one of the leading ADHD researchers, explains that people with ADHD often operate based on urgency, not strategy. That means your brain pushes you to act right now, before fully thinking through the social or professional implications.

Enter Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This term, popularized by psychiatrist Dr. William Dodson, describes the extreme emotional reaction people with ADHD often have to rejection, criticism, or even just the possibility of disappointing someone.

What might be a small mistake to someone else feels catastrophic to you. It’s not just embarrassment, it’s shame, and it hits hard and fast.

That’s why your inner voice flips so dramatically. One second you’re cautiously hopeful, and the next it’s like your brain is screaming:

“You’re a disaster. Everyone sees it. You’ll never get it right.”

And yeah—logically, you might know that’s not true. But emotionally? It feels undeniable.

When You’ve Messed Up, Can It Ever Be Put Right?

Let’s say you regret something you said. You might know, logically, that you meant well. But the impact says otherwise. And now you’re panicking. You’re replaying every second of it. You feel like quitting. Or disappearing forever.

And maybe you’re hearing, again, that ADHD isn’t a good enough reason. Maybe the people around you are tired of explanations. Maybe you’re tired of explanations.

And that’s when the darker thoughts come:

“Maybe I don’t deserve another chance”

“Maybe I’m just broken”

But here’s the truth: You are not your RSD.

You are not your worst moment. You are a person living with a condition that makes self-regulation genuinely difficult—but not impossible. One mistake—even a big one—doesn’t define you. And it’s possible you can still repair the damage.

So… What Now?

Here are some ways to move forward, even when you feel like you’ve already messed everything up:

1. Acknowledge the impact, not just your intent. Don’t spin it. Don’t over-explain. Just be honest and direct:

“I realize how I spoke may have come across the wrong way. That wasn’t my intention, but I understand how it landed, and I’m sorry.”

That shows awareness and maturity—two things people deeply respect, even if they’re annoyed.

2. Mention ADHD—strategically. It’s okay to acknowledge that your brain works differently, especially if you’re actively working on it. Try something like:

“I’ve recognized this is a pattern I need to work on, and I’m building better ways to handle these situations.”

That’s not making excuses—that’s owning your growth.

3. Build a pause button. Write it down before you say it. Run ideas past a trusted person before meetings. Create some space between thought and action—your future self will thank you.

4. Talk to someone who gets it. Find a therapist or someone who understands ADHD and RSD. You don’t need to “think your way out” of shame—sometimes you need support and strategies to manage it.

5. Challenge the RSD voice. That voice that says “You’re the worst. You always screw things up”? That voice is a distortion. It’s your nervous system in overdrive. It feels convincing, but it’s not telling you the whole truth. Talk to someone you trust. Say out loud:

“My brain is telling me I’m the worst person alive. I need help remembering that I’m not.”

When Things Get Really Dark

If you’re feeling hopeless, like this one moment defines you forever—please don’t face that alone.

If you’re stuck in the loop of “I ruin everything and I don’t know how to fix it”—please don’t sit in that alone. Talk to someone. Message a friend.

You are not your mistake, and the shame you’re feeling right now isn’t permanent, even if it feels endless. You don’t need to fix everything right now. You just need to keep going.

The intensity you’re feeling is real—but it will pass.

And what you’re going through doesn’t make you unfixable. It makes you human.

Final Thought

ADHD can make you act before you think, speak before you mean to, and hurt when you only wanted to help. It’s exhausting.

But you’re not broken. You’re a person with a brain that works differently. Yes, that brings challenges—but it also brings growth, creativity, empathy, and resilience, if you give yourself the chance.

Mistakes don’t mean you’re unprofessional. They mean you’re learning.

You can disappoint someone and still be worthy of respect.

You can mess up and still be worth supporting.

You can be overwhelmed by your own brain and still build a life that works.

And no matter what that inner voice says today:

You’re not the worst person alive. You’re someone with ADHD, navigating something hard. You’re not alone.