I’m tired of being angry at myself!

I’m tired. Not just “I haven’t had enough sleep” tired but exhausted from having to deal with my brain and the way it feels like it hates me.

I sit on the couch to watch what is definitely going to be too much TV and my brain yells at me for wasting time, being lazy and not doing all the things I should be doing. If I start doing something I get angry that I’m switching from task to task without doing anything properly, avoiding the hard things and knowing I started too late.

There’s no version of this where I feel like I’m actually doing the right thing.  

And the worst part of this is, I know better!

I know I have ADHD. I get it. I work in this space every day. I can explain it to parents, teachers, and kids and give them a million strategies, but when I’m feeling like this, all of that knowledge does nothing for me. I just feel like I’m a loser who can’t do anything right.

I know what to do. So why don’t I just do it?

I feel like this actually makes it worse, because I do know better.

It’s like knowing where the gym is and knowing it would help, but still not walking through the doors and starting the program…

Then I see this from Russell Barkley, often called the father of ADHD: “ADHD is not a disorder of knowing what to do, but of doing what one knows.”

This is EXACTLY it.

ADHD isn’t about knowing what to do, it’s about struggling to consistently do what you know.

I can be totally fine, happy with myself, loving life, and then suddenly I’m not, and everything is bad and I hate everything I think or do.

The anger kicks in. Why am I here AGAIN when I know how to deal with all of this?

The ridiculous part of this is that this pattern is classic ADHD. That moment when I’m feeling like I don’t even have ADHD and I’m just a ridiculous human who can’t do anything right is actually when I am being the most ADHD I can be.

People with ADHD don’t perform badly all the time, they perform variably. They can be capable, organised, and on top of everything one day, then completely off in every way the next.

I see this every day with the kids I work with. They’re doing well, their teachers are feeling positive, their parents are feeling excited, and the ADHDer is feeling confident and in control.

And then…

CRASH

Everything falls apart.

Parents and teachers can’t understand. Everything was going so well. The child has obviously chosen to do the wrong thing, and the strategies are useless.

But in fact… nothing has gone wrong. Nothing has been chosen or changed.

This is just the pattern.

That same pattern that drives me crazy about myself.

When you combine the inconsistency of performance with the emotional dysregulation of ADHD, it’s a perfect storm.

If I don’t put in effort or I relax, I’m lazy.

If I try really hard, I should be trying harder.

If I mess up even slightly, I am the worst.

ADHD doesn’t do middle ground. It is ALL or NOTHING, all of the time.

So when a neurotypical person gets frustrated by a mistake but can move on, a person with ADHD sees it as proof that they are a failure and gets stuck.

So the cycle continues…

I do well

I mess up

I get angry at myself

I give up, total collapse

Eventually I try again

And the anger feels completely justified in the moment, but unfortunately it is the thing that continues the cycle every single time.

Because when your ADHD brain is already struggling with inconsistency and dysregulation, anger doesn’t motivate the change needed. It completely shuts it down. It turns one small slip into a full reset, right back to zero.

So… how do I fix it?

My ADHD brain needs to fix things.

Well, until brain transplants become a thing, I can’t fix it. It will always be there.

But I can start walking through those gym doors if I choose to.

I need to start accepting that I’m not going to get everything right just because I know it to be true. I have to work at it. I’m not perfect. Nobody is.

So what if I changed the narrative a little?

What if the goal wasn’t to get it right all the time?

I need to start training my brain to expect the thing I’m going to get angry at myself about, notice it earlier, and actively tell myself that bad moments are not the end of the story.

What if I didn’t restart from zero every time?

I can’t control my ADHD brain, but I can control my anger and self-hatred.

I need to stop fighting myself.

Maybe because I’ve spent so long being angry at myself and all the things I’ve done wrong, I’ve never stopped to notice the fact that I do keep coming back.

Maybe I just need to accept that I will fail, but trust that I can come back from it.

I need to actively tell myself this.

Train myself to believe it.

I will sometimes fail, but nobody’s perfect.

And I need to tell the kids this too...

Be self-aware

Prepare for the failures

Know that you will bounce back, you always do...

Stay tuned…