Parenting is hard… in fact it sucks… We have to not only try and navigate our own lives, but also be adults and try to keep our kids on track when in our head we are all still only 18 (or is that just me?) And then you get the dreaded phone call from school… “Could we make a time to discuss your child’s behaviour in class?” WHAT?! What’s happened… my child is lovely… what could they have done???
The Parent Meeting…
So, you go to the meeting and sit there listening to stories that just can’t possibly be true… your thoughtful, creative, imaginative, loving, funny child is being called unsettled, distracting, unfocused and disrespectful! How dare they! And THEN they suggest that you look into maybe seeking an ADHD diagnosis… ADHD?! Your child is not at all like that kid that used to sit next to you in Year 5 and punched you every time he got bored. Your child is not distracted... they will sit for hours at home every night playing in their made-up world in the backyard… that a is NOT a deficit of attention, you have to practically drag them in to eat dinner every night.
ADHD?
Then your mind starts racing… ADHD? Oh, my goodness, what if that teacher has talked to other teachers, or other parents about your child, are they all calling them the ADHD kid? There is no way you would ever put a label on your child, and neither should they. Next, they will be telling me to drug my baby! How ridiculous, that is never going to happen! Obviously, this teacher has a grudge against my child.
The year ends (finally) with a terrible report from that awful teacher; “talks too much”, “distracts others”, “doesn’t work to their full potential”, “needs to work on organization and time management” … they really don’t know my child at all. The next year begins and after the first 4 weeks there is another phone call…” I would love to have a chat with you about your child’s behaviour in class”…. Are you kidding?? I knew that awful teacher from last year had blabbed! They’ve probably told the whole school!!
What you’re not seeing…
This could continue year after year with the same story coming from the school and the same feelings of hurt and disbelief from you. But what you’re not seeing… is your child. We think we know everything about our kids, but in fact they spend most of their waking lives at school in situations that are never seen at home, I mean, when do you ever see your child in a room surrounded by 25 other children, and 1 or 2 adults, being publicly asked to recount how much they remember about something that happened 7 days ago? When do you see them with 3 other students that aren’t their friends trying to solve a problem that none of them have an interest in? When do you see them moving from one building to another 3 times a day, having to remember to bring armfuls of stuff with them, having to interact with 3 different adults with different expectations? When do you see them having to sit up straight, giving eye contact and not fiddling for an hour in a room with 400 other children? I’m guessing the answer to all of these questions is NEVER. You don’ really know what your child would do in these situations.
What you also don’t see is your child trying and failing and trying again and failing again and never really understanding why. You aren’t seeing them finding strategies, some positive and probably more negative, to help them get through the day like all the other kids. You aren’t hearing their thoughts about how they aren’t good enough and why can’t they just be like everyone else.
Why labels are good
If your biggest fear is your child having a label let me tell you, they already probably have one… just ask those teachers… they are the ‘naughty’ kid, or the ‘one’ that ruins all their good lessons. Someone once said to me that the only person who thinks getting an ADHD diagnosis or label is a bad thing is the person that doesn’t have ADHD. For me it was one of the happiest days of my life because I finally had an answer for why I had done all those things in my past that I regretted and that still upset me. Not that I could go back and change anything, but I could begin to stop beating myself up about friendships lost and opportunities wasted.
But it doesn’t end there
Just getting a diagnosis or a label isn’t the end of the story. Many parents believe that it’s then up to the teacher or medication to fix their child. Many parents even choose not to tell their child they have ADHD. From my personal experience, there is a better approach… why wouldn’t you empower your child with the understanding of how their brain works. With this knowledge comes the power to identify why they are doing what they do and why that may not be what is expected. If a child isn’t told that neurotypical children don’t actually think like they do… how would they ever know?
Self Advocacy
Once a child begins to identify their behaviours that are seen as ‘abnormal’ they can begin to develop positive strategies to help them succeed in a world they can now see in a whole new light. They can stop fighting against what they are asked to do because they think they will fail, instead they can start forging their own path. They aren’t changing their personalities to fit in, but instead they are working out how to build on what they do well to find alternate routes to achievement. Imagine the day your child is brave enough to walk up to their teacher and say, “I’ve completely lost track of what I’m supposed to be doing, do you mind if I do a quick couple of laps of the oval, then come back to make a checklist of the main points I need to cover before the end of this lesson?”. OK so a six-year-old might not use those words, but if they can identify that they have lost focus and know the strategies to get them back on track, their teacher will more than likely be grateful that they don’t have to discipline them or find a way for them to complete their work. And all of this thanks to a label!
